Get Out of Victim Mindset with Radical Responsibility

In this episode, we’re talking about taking responsibility for the results in your life. So, if you’ve always had a dream of starting a business, or a new exciting career or doing something that scares you but you’ve never taken real action on because you think there’s something in your way, then this episode is for you. 

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The “Fuck It” mindset

This is probably where you’re at right now (and if you’re not, then you’ve definitely been there).

This is where your brain goes when you think that the circumstances of your life stop you in every way from getting what you want. 

When you’re in the “Fuck It” mindset, you find ways to avoid your feelings. This mindset does NOT feel good and since it’s brought on by things you can’t control,  and you don’t want to feel it. So you find ways to avoid it. 

Maybe it’s alcohol. Is having a glass of wine at the end of the day the only way you’re staying sane?

Or is it food? If you feel sad from thinking about things outside your control, are you reaching for the saltiest or the sugariest foods to drown your feelings with?

Or is it by t.v? This is my personal vice. When I get in the “Fuck it” mindset, I want something that takes me out of it immediately. I binge t.v. so I think about the character’s life on TV instead of my own. 

Or is it productivity? I have a coaching client that avoids taking action she knows she needs to take to move her business forward, so she cleans, organizes desktop folders, things like that. These are within her control and things she feels confident that she can do. 

What is it for you? When you think about what you want in your life, and you think about how hard it is to get it or how impossible, what is your go-to way of avoiding the feelings that come up?

After so much time in the “fuck it” mindset, you feel comfortable as a victim of your circumstances.  I’m using “victim” as in someone who is being hurt by something outside of themselves. 

Like if you’re telling yourself that you can’t find a fulfilling career because you don’t have a degree. I was a victim of not having the money to finish college for a LONG time. 

You stay in the victim mindset because you’re comfortable there. You can’t do anything wrong or fail in any way because when you’re a victim, everything is outside of your control. So, while you may not LIKE being a victim of your circumstance, you stay there anyway.

When you’re here, you don’t take any action towards what’s important to you long term.

You don’t write the book because you’re a victim of your lack of connections.

You don’t attempt to look for other career paths because you’re a victim to your “lack of talents”. 

You tell yourself how you’re comfortable in your current life and how it’s not that bad. How you should be grateful. How “this is what it is”.  

I stayed there for a LONG time. So if you’re here, you are NOT alone, and the good news is that it’s not complicated to get out. It just requires you to get uncomfortable. 

The Shift

This is the shift from letting circumstance control all your moves and your life, to taking action in spite of it. 

I’ll tell you the story of how I went through “the shift”. 

I started my life coaching business with no business training, no college degree or savings account, and no one to support me financially. 

For many years, I didn’t start my business (or even think about a career change) because of all of these circumstances. I was convinced that they would stop me from being successful

I was just failing ahead of time. 

Even after I started the business, I let these things stop me from REALLY moving forward. 

I would tell myself that the only experience I have is in retail and in fashion. Who the hell would want someone that grew up in a trailer with no running water to help them with their life?!?

But I didn’t want these things to be the reason I quit. I told myself early on that the only way that I would quit is if I loved my reason for doing so. My past? That was NOT a reason that I loved. 

I knew that I would feel better about myself if I at least kept ATTEMPTING to make my dream come true, rather than just giving up before I even gave it a real shot. 

All of this led to me taking Radical Responsibility for my results in my life going forward. 

Radical Responsibility

Telling yourself that you can’t achieve something because of your circumstance is depressing. 

That feeling does NOT lead you to take actions that will help you get to where you want to go. 

So, when I tried things and failed, I got into the practice of asking myself, “What could I have done better? What am I missing? What if I just took responsibility for the result I got instead of blaming something else?”

If an Instagram post didn’t get as much of a response as I hoped, I stopped blaming the Instagram algorithm. 

If I didn’t lose as much weight as I wanted to, I didn’t blame my lack of working out on my work schedule.

What things are you blaming for your life that is outside of you?

Lots of people have resistance to doing this, it makes sense. It means that all the blame is put on you. 

I used to say that I didn’t want to do that because I was scared of the crushing disappointment I would feel when my goal fell through. 

It was easier for me to blame something else. 

That’s when I realized that I would MUCH rather feel disappointment from not getting something even though I tried everything I could to get it, than the disappointment from not even trying. 

That let down would feel WAY worse. 

If you’re someone that is saying, “Yeah Monica, what happens if the disappointment I feel is something I can’t handle”. Ask yourself why. Why couldn’t you handle it if you felt disappointed?

Disappointment is just a feeling. It’s just a vibration in your body. It’s what you make the disappointment MEAN about YOU that is the most hurtful thing. 

So, if this is you, how can you just allow the feeling of disappointment, without making it mean something about you?

I know I’ll lose some readers with this idea. Someone reading this will think that it’s not right for me to tell you to take responsibility for your life. They say, “Well some things just can’t change and there’s nothing I can do about it. So I need to protect myself.” 

And to that I say, go ahead. You’re allowed to do anything you want. You’re allowed to believe anything you want.

If you want to believe that your situation or circumstance dictates your life, then go for it.

But if you want to make a REAL change in your life and let nothing stop you other than yourself, then to you I say, do it. 

Because really, when you look back on your life, which do you want to feel? Bitter from all the things you couldn’t control? Or proud of all that you tried? Proud that you didn’t stay stuck. Proud that you took action on what you put your mind to?

I know which one I’d choose.

xo,

Monica

P.S. If you’re ready to start bringing your dreams to life and finally get over the negative self-talk stopping you, then we need to chat! I’m offering free 1-on-1 virtual calls to help you define your goals, pinpoint what’s *actually* stopping you from getting them and what steps you NEED to take to make them a reality. I can’t WAIT to talk to you then!

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