On today’s show, I have Marriage and Family Therapist Dalila Jusic-LaBerge to chat about all things healthy relationships.
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Why do we sometimes not feel worthy of love?
This starts early on for us. We first feel our parents love and a lot of our lives are based on that. But sometimes the hard push of always feeling a need to over-achieve can stem from our time with our parents.
We develop a sense of having to come to the table with something of value for others to love us. Like maybe when you got an A on a homework assignment when you were little and you brought it to your parents. And approval and affection from them were what you were looking for. It’s natural human behavior for us to act that way.
Sometimes, that feeling can bleed into adulthood with relationships. Have you ever started a new relationship and thought, “I need to be funny and pretty so they’ll be interested in me.” That’s the same principle.
Hav you ever thought “I need to bring something valuable to this relationship for someone to actually love me.”
Dalila said, “We’re programmed to prove that we’re worthy of existence”
Ok, what does that have to do with relationships?
If you’re on a date with someone for the first time, you may even be spending the entire date anxious about if you’re bringing enough value. Like being interesting or pretty enough. It’s like you’re spending the whole time thinking about you instead of the other person.
But when you’re so busy worrying about you, it’s easy to miss an emotional connection. Or worse, you may not notice bad or potentially dangerous traits about your date.
If you’re thinking, “Well I had a great childhood, but why am I lacking love?”
Don’t get me wrong! It’s totally possible to have gone through the thoughts of “am I enough” in childhood and still have had a loving relationship with your parents.
But what’s important to realize is that these feelings of “I need to trade value for love” develop early on in our lives. Not because our parents did that on purpose! As I said, this is normal human behavior that’s instinct for us.
If you’re still looking for love, remember this.
A lot of people will list what they want in another person. Or what they want that person to be.
Like, “Tall, intelligent, funny, etc” And while that’s good to know what you want, there’s something that’s more important.
You need to know how you want to feel!
What types of emotions do you want from this relationship? What types of emotions do you NOT want to feel? Write all of these down and keep them on you.
Ask yourself this: “How do I want to FEEL in this person’s company?”
I love what Dalila said about this, “You have to be yourself without shame”.
Tips for becoming less self-critical before a first date
- Before your date, notice what’s going on in your body. Acknowledge your feelings. Take some time to connect your mind and body, like through yoga or meditation.
- Figure out what you want and be honest with yourself! Don’t negotiate!
- Be honest with them! Are you nervous? Just flat out say, “Hey I’m a little nervous, what about you?” They probably feel the same!
how do you avoid getting into a toxic relationship?
Here’s a few red flags to be aware of:
- If you feel the need always need to prove yourself
- When you feel that you can’t be an authentic version of you.
If you continue to attract these types of relationships, ask yourself why. Dig deep and get real here! It may be hard to accept that you aren’t being true to yourself. However, when you do, that’s the first step to actually figure out what you really want.
Go back to your list of desired emotions you want to feel in a relationship and DON’T negotiate with it. Just remember, you deserve to feel exactly how you WANT to feel!
When you first see that toxicity come through, make sure to communicate. Nothing can get better if you aren’t honest. Don’t attack, though. You want to be honest, but you don’t want your partner to automatically put the defenses on.
How to get over limiting beliefs
When you have a limiting belief, like “I’m not smart enough” or “I’m not pretty enough” go to a time you felt opposite of that.
Maybe that was when you presented a killer idea at work that blew everyone away. Or maybe even how your mom tells you how pretty you are. Whatever it is, go back to person or moment and remember that happened for a reason. If someone else sees it in you, then it’s there.
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She always had a love of psychology at a young age. She pursued that when she came to America getting her degree in psychology. When she started working with people, she noticed people were missing one thing from their life: love.
Find out more about her in the links below!